Back to Good
by hibbleton
Summary: Post-4.10 'Crash Into Me', Derek/Meredith. All the things I wish they would say to each other.
1. The Last High

**Author's Notes**: I never thought I'd be writing GA fanfiction, but I am extremely disappointed with what Shonda & co. are doing to the characters -- especially Derek and Meredith. "Crash" part two was the last straw for me, so I sat down and wrote all the things I wish they would say to each other and then worked from there.

I took everything that's happened in the show and resolved it to my liking. I included other characters' storylines if I could work them into the point of view, but I deliberately ignored Bailey and her marriage troubles because it would have been a lot to cover. The story is told in first person, Derek or Meredith POV, but not always alternating. I don't label whose POV it is, but I hope I made it obvious within the first or second line in each section.

Finally, I hope someone reading this finds it as therapeutic as writing it was. :)

* * *

**Chapter One: "The Last High"**

"I don't want you to date other people. It may not be enough for you, but I'm trying here so I don't want you to date anybody but me. That's it. Except, I'm scared as hell to want you, but here I am, wanting you anyway. And fear means I have something to lose, right? And I don't want to lose you."

There. I said it. I had to say it before I thought about it any more. If I'd thought about it any more, I wouldn't have said it and he would have kept bringing dates to Joe's and I would have had to imagine poisoning them but they'd be across the street from the hospital and it would have been pointless. So, I said it.

But now he has that look on his face. That look he gets when he's about to tell me something I don't want to hear, like "Meredith, she's my wife" or something, and I can't deal with that right now. Not today.

"Meredith." It's starting. I can't do this right now.

Before I even realize it, my mouth is moving. "Don't say anything. I'm gonna leave and you can say something tomorrow. That's progress, right?"

That didn't even make sense, but I'm walking away. I'm walking away because I have a date with Cristina and the bottom of a tequila bottle.

-----

There's a feeling deep in my gut. I think they call it guilt.

I'm not someone who's made a lot of decisions that led to feelings of guilt. You don't get to where I am by being a poor decision-maker. Regret. I've felt lots of regret, but rarely guilt.

So this feeling I have, the one that began after the moment with Rose was over, it's not familiar to me.

I could have scrubbed out right after I finished up with the surgery but instead I waited around so that I could speak with her alone. I was an ass, and she saved mine, so I thought she should know. Innocent motive.

Our eyes met, and not for the first time, I noticed how gorgeous her eyes were. Brown eyes. Not blue, or blue-green. And for a brief moment, I didn't think at all about Meredith. She kissed nothing like her, smelled nothing like her.

Maybe there is life after Meredith after all. Rose is difficult in all the ways Meredith is, but she's easy in all the ways Meredith isn't. Rose wants what I want, and maybe she'd even want it with me.

But now Meredith is in front of me, trying. She's trying to be what I need her to be, and I can't help but feel like I just cheated on her.

I want to tell her. I open my mouth to tell her, but she stops me and she runs away. I don't know if I should be thankful or angry.

I was going to find Rose tonight, find her and ask her if she wanted to get a meal somewhere. I wasn't going to suggest drinks because my last relationship started with drinking. But now I have this feeling in my gut - guilt - and I know I should just go home, read some medical journals and not think about Meredith or Rose.

The trailer is cold, and it's lonely. After a day like today, I want to be around people. Days like today, it's good to have friends. So Joe's it is.

-----

Mark, Dr. Torres and Dr. Hahn are throwing darts when I get to the bar. I scan the crowd and thankfully see neither Meredith nor Rose. Maybe not thankfully. Nevertheless, it's nice to shoot the shit with fellow doctors who've also had bad days and are all considerably unattached.

Unattached. The word makes me itchy. I haven't been unattached since... Nancy was right. I can't remember the last time I was single. Here I am, here I was always, running in circles around all the women in my life.

I want more. I need more.

I feign tiredness and Mark calls me a lightweight because I've only had one beer.

I get in my car and drive mindlessly to Meredith's.

-----

I'm feeling good. I'm feeling good and I'm dancing like an idiot and Cristina brought Lexie and I'm not hating it.

And I'm definitely not thinking about what Derek is doing right now, because that would make me feel not-good, and that's not what tonight is about.

Tonight is about stupid dancing and tequila shots and -- I think that's the door. We ordered pizza. The guy with the pizza is here. Good, I'm hungry.

George gets up to get it (he's so reliable) and I close my eyes and continue dancing, waiting for the delicious pizza smell to waft over, but instead I smell cologne. It's light, but masculine, and I would know it anywhere. I open my eyes to meet Derek's and he's smiling. I can't tell what kind of smile it is. I lost my "Guide to Interpreting Dr. Derek Shepherd's Facial Expressions" five shots ago.

It's not fair. It's not fair that he's here when I asked him for tomorrow. It's not fair that he's here and I'm drunk. So I do the only thing I can think of doing. I close my eyes and dance.

Lexie greets him because she doesn't know better. She's only gotten the abridged version of the Meredith and Derek story and I can't fault her for not knowing. He's taking his shoes off. I can hear them fall to the floor. Crap. I don't want him to come over here. I don't want him to touch me, because then everything will get all porny and I'll end up naked and I don't want to end up naked. Not before we talk, sober. Tomorrow.

I risk opening my eyes and I see that he's gotten himself a glass of wine. He's just sitting on the couch, watching me. Looking at me. Stop looking at me, Derek. Never stop looking at me, Derek.

He looks really good tonight.

Cristina bumps into me and I turn my head to look at her. She aims a dirty look at Derek but doesn't stop dancing and doesn't say anything. She knows better than to say anything. She understands, and that's why she's my person. Be it resolved, then, I'm just going to dance until I can't anymore and then I'll deal with Derek.

George seems pretty happy with the respite provided by another male in the house for him to talk to, so Derek stops being the creepy guy who sits on the couch and stares at me and I just dance.

-----

There are lots of things that we need to talk about. Lots of things that we need to say, but she puts her hand out and asks me if I'm coming up to bed with her. She has a smile on her face that means only dirty things and her hair is messy from jumping around. She knows I can't resist her like this. I don't know if I ever will find the resolve. Not tonight, anyway.

She leads me up to her room and the second I close the door behind me, she's on me. Our lips crash together, her legs wrap around me and her hands go into my hair. I lift her by the thighs and push her up against the wall. The blood rushing through my body makes me dizzy. This is why I'm addicted to her. This is what we're best at.

She's kissing me with an intensity she hasn't had since our first shot at break-up sex. It's never been like this with anyone else and I don't know if it ever will be. Her grip is so tight it almost hurts and I don't want her to let go. I kiss her everywhere I can reach with confined movements, which pretty much amounts to her face, her ears and her neck. I know which spots illicit this or that reaction. I know her body like I know the human brain, except there's nothing scientific about this. It's all instinct and mm and yes and the smell of lavender.

It's not long before we're in her bed, making enough noise to make it just a little embarrassing to make eye contact with her housemates tomorrow. We're moving like we need this more than we need air. I'm hurtling towards climax and I mentally go through surgical techniques to hold off but she's making all the sounds that drive me insane and when she meets my eyes, she looks at me with unabated desire. My control snaps. I slam her into the bed with little finesse but we're completely in sync. She's right there with me, flying off the edge.

We lie in bed for a few moments, still tangled in the bedsheets, listening to each other's calming breaths and not talking. I find myself wondering if she'll ask me to leave. I'm not really in a good position to drive, but if she wanted me to go, I'd find a way.

Last time we were in this situation, we joked about her snoring. This time is nothing at all like last time. But she stays silent, and eventually gets up to brush her teeth. I follow, and I don't know whether or not to be surprised that my toothbrush is still there. I don't comment though. It doesn't seem like a good time to comment. I look in the mirror over the sink and she meets me for a second before she looks away. I don't know how to read her right now, but I won't press her. She asked me for tomorrow, and I will give it to her.

We fix the sheets and get back into bed, like a routine, and she clicks off the light. "Goodnight, Derek," she says, and she turns away.

That's different. She's never said that to me on a night we've spent together.

And then I knew. The reason behind her passion the night we broke up and the reason behind her passion tonight. She thinks it's the last time.

Maybe she's right.

"Goodnight, Meredith."


	2. White Flag

**Chapter Two: "White Flag"**

None of the residents from yesterday are on today, which is good because Meredith is out cold. I'm not quite sure what to do with myself. I don't know what the rules are for the morning after sex with your ex with whom you need to have an important talk about maybe seeing other people. I haven't decided on that either. I was going to tell her about Rose, but now I don't know. The feeling, the guilt, is back.

I need coffee. And probably a shower.

I leave my sweater on the bed, which I hope she'll know to interpret as "I'm still here," put my shirt on and head downstairs to get some clothes out of my car. Cristina, sleeping clumsily on a couch, is in the same shape Meredith was in upstairs but I can hear sounds coming from the kitchen. Izzie, I imagine. Izzie is a morning person. And just above all the odors in the house that I thought I'd left behind in college, I can smell coffee. Dr. Stevens is my favorite roommate.

Coffee first, clothes later. My first decision of the day. Good work, Derek. Pat yourself on the back.

I enter the kitchen and she glares at me, but she does so while pulling a mug from the shelf and tipping the decanter into it. After I gratefully thank her for the coffee, her eyes soften and we sip in not-uncomfortable silence. I notice that it looks like she's been up all night with problems of her own.

"You can have all the chemistry in the world," she says, "but if you don't have timing, it all goes to hell."

I don't know if she's talking about herself or me.

"Hank, Denny, George. Even Alex. My timing is shit."

So, she's talking about herself. I think my job here is to sit here and listen. I can do that.

"It's complete bullshit. I fell in love with my best friend, my best friend who was married, and now I'm standing in the ruins because I feel like a homewrecker, he feels like he failed himself and we just can't be happy together. Not now. Not yet."

This is starting to sound familiar but I don't think she would appreciate it if I made this about me.

"Maybe not ever. What if we never find the right time? Shouldn't we try, even though it's hard? Even though it hurts? Should we just waste this connection we have?"

The smell of coffee has drifted through the house and woken the hangover duo. They shuffle into the kitchen, bleary-eyed with arms extended for a hit of caffeine, saving me from having to figure out whether or not Izzie wanted me to answer her.

I use the opportunity to get my things from the car.

-----

The second Derek's footsteps make it up the staircase, Cristina nudges me with her shoulder. "So what was that all about? Is he not seeing other people?"

Izzie hasn't been kept in the loop but I hope that the fact we're having this conversation in front of her makes her feel better about it.

"I don't know, we didn't talk." Kind of embarrassing actually, because I'm pretty sure that they both know there wasn't a whole lot of talking going on last night.

Izzie scoffs, partially confirming my suspicion. "Talk about what?"

I don't want to answer, so I look to Cristina, who rolls her eyes but summarizes the story. "Shepherd wants Meredith to get her shit together while he dates other people and Meredith told him yesterday that she doesn't want him to date anyone else, but he didn't say that he would or he wouldn't, mostly because Meredith didn't let him, and he came over last night and they had loud sex and no talking, so she has no idea what's going on."

Izzie looks indignant. "He's dating other people while he waits? How is that waiting?" She crosses her arms. "Men suck." Understatement of the year. Something must have happened between her and George, but I don't have time to find out. I have Derek to deal with.

-----

I look for him after I get dressed and find him downstairs, reading the paper.

I don't want to talk here. It's too personal. But I don't want to go somewhere with him because it would be hard to escape. And where would we go, a cafe? Too public. The hospital? Yeah, right.

He folds up the paper and sits up. "Look, I have to go check on something with a patient. Meet me at the place, the place overlooking the ferryboats. Meet me there in an hour." I think he's lying about the hospital. Maybe I'm not the only one who wants an escape route.

"Okay," I whisper. I don't know why, but it's as much volume I could get out of my throat. I was ready to have this conversation, but now I'm not.

He gives me one last look and leaves.

-----

I don't know why I wanted to meet here. It's quiet, and it's private, but it's a place with good memories of a better time. An easier time. And now we're going to bring our complications to it. I'm going to tell her about Rose, kissing her and wanting to date her. She deserves to know the truth about how I feel. I want more. I deserve to want more, and I'm not going to settle for less than what I deserve.

Her Jeep pulls up beside my car and we both get out. She takes a few steps down the hill and doesn't turn back to face me. I move to stand behind her, catching the smell of her hair as the wind whips through it.

"Meredith."

She turns around and meets my eyes.

It's time to say what she stopped me from saying yesterday. "I kissed another woman. I kissed her, and I enjoyed it. And I think... I think she could give me what I want."

I catch the anger in her face before she turns away and takes a few steps. "What you want."

I don't know what she's getting at so I wait for her to continue.

She runs a hand through her hair. "From the beginning, it's been all about you. I didn't want to date you. I didn't want to be the girl who fucked her superiors, but you broke me down. You turned up the charm until I couldn't turn you down. So I let you in and it blew right up in my face. But you still didn't back down. And yeah, I'm a big girl. I make my own decisions, and I thought I had a really good catch on my hands. But I didn't have all the information." She pauses. "That was incredibly selfish of you. You knew that it could have ruined my residency and you didn't care because you only thought about how you felt."

That's not true. I want to open my mouth to say it's not true, even though I don't think I could back it up with evidence. "Meredith --"

"No. Listen." I have to fight a smile. I love her like this. "After Addison showed up, all leggy and fabulous, you said you would sign the papers and she would be on the next flight back to New York. Well, that turned out to be true, didn't it? Right, except she stayed, you stayed with her, and you left me out to dry, Derek. Noble Derek Shepherd, trying to work out his marriage to an adulterous wife at the cost of his relationship with dirty mistress Meredith."

She has no idea how much leaving her hurt me, too. But I had to do the right thing, and as she said, I wouldn't be me if I wasn't trying to make it work.

Fuck, she was trying to prop me up even though it was killing her inside. "I'm a self-absorbed bastard sometimes." I can admit that.

But she's still talking. "And then I met Finn. Finn was good for me, you knew that. You realized it so you had to swoop in and ruin it for me. I wasn't allowed to be happy without you. You were with Addison, but you wanted me within arm's reach. For what? In case things didn't work out? Was I your back-up plan?"

I can't rationally explain what happened with the vet. I just know that it made me inexplicably angry to picture them together and that I'd needed to feel her, to remind her how good it could really be. To remind myself. "I was still in love with you."

If she heard me, she's ignoring it. "And then finally, Addison was out of the picture. I found myself having to make a choice. Finn, the good man, the safe pick, or you, the guy who could hurt me a hundred times and I'd still come back. It might take time, Derek, but I always come back. But no, you took the choice out of my hands when you bowed out. You had this image of me, happy, and apparently it didn't include you. That is so fucked up."

It was. But look where we are now. "I hate to say I told you so."

Well, that gets her looking at me again. "That is SO FUCKED UP. It's always. About. You. You are clearly the foremost expert on what I need in my life to be happy."

Oh for fuck's sake. "YOU don't even know what you want, Meredith, so excuse me for trying to give you a sense of direction."

"And now I don't fit into how you imagined your life to be, so you're cutting me away, right? Screw what I think or feel. No time to waste on putting Meredith back together again. You need to find yourself a wife who will spit out a family for you."

"My life can't revolve around making sure you don't drown again." I should have seen it coming. I should have cornered her and forced her to talk, but I was too angry with her to see the signs. "I felt completely powerless. I didn't stop you, and I couldn't save you." I wish she could see how hard it was for me.

"And so you took off, Derek," she says. "It's what you do. Things got too hard for you so you checked out. I should be glad you didn't move to Florida or something."

Oh, this is nice. "So you can stand on your soapbox and accuse me of running, right? You ran away from me. You are always running away from me."

"How can I run towards you when you're pulling this shit? You tell me the highlight of your week was flirting with another woman and, what, you want me to say, 'I love you, too!'? You tell me you want to marry me and have kids with me, but only if I beat someone else to the finish line."

"I told you. You don't know what you want so I was just trying to light a fire under you to see what sparked." That seems reasonable enough.

"God. So fucked." She sounds resigned. The fight has left her body. She falls forward on the grass onto her knees and holds her head in her hands.

I stay standing behind her. "I've hurt you a lot, Meredith. I'm sorry. It's just, being with someone shouldn't be this hard. I want things, and I don't think it's unfair to want them. And you're not there."

"I'm not there," she agrees.

Which leads to the question, "So where does this leave us?"

She doesn't answer, not right away. She gets up again and walks to her car. She'd better not get in. We're not done yet. But she just puts her hands down on the hood, probably to warm them. "Who is she?"

I won't feign ignorance. "Her name is Rose. She's a surgical nurse. I think she started about a month or two ago."

She's angry again. "A nurse? A nurse at this hospital? Damnit, Derek. First you dated," she makes air quotes around that word, "Sydney Heron, and now you're dating a nurse. I'll have to see you together all the time, like it was with Addison. Just once, can you stop and think about how I might feel?"

"When do I get to meet people outside the hospital? I'm not doing this intentionally, it's just where I spend most of my time. Besides, you dated my vet."

"Our vet. I didn't date Finn to get back at you, and you could have easily changed vets. You were married to Addison. I had to see you two together all the time, and I can't just change hospitals."

"Fine, I'll consciously make myself completely uncharming to everyone at the hospital." I try for humor.

She shakes her head, but not in any sort of response. Probably just exasperation. "So, this seeing other people thing. Am I allowed to date or is it just you? If I meet someone who doesn't mind my character flaws, will you start playing the jilted lover again?"

I can't promise her I won't. "You're free to do whatever you want." In theory. "But you're not ready to be with anyone. That's why we're not together. Why would you have reason to date someone else?"

She considers it for a moment. "It's not that I'm not ready to be with anyone, Derek. I'm just not ready to be with you. And I know that being with me isn't easy, but you hurt me. You broke me. And you just keep breaking me."

My chest feels tight. I don't have a response for her.

"I was ready, you know. Before I found out about Addison. I was picturing us together, with all the things you want."

I am such a fool. I love her. I love her so much. But I don't say it. It won't be enough. "I'm sorry," I whisper.

She opens the door to her Jeep. "Goodbye, Derek," she says, before getting inside.

"Goodbye, Meredith," I respond. She shuts the door, starts the engine and drives away.

Nothing between us has never felt as final as this.


	3. Learn to Fly

**Chapter Three: "Learn to Fly"**

I'm not going to give up on myself. Old Meredith would go straight to the bar and drown her sorrows, or go straight to Cristina and deal with her problems without really dealing with her problems. Okay, Old Meredith was out in full force last night, but that was different. That was work stuff and boy stuff and it was a hard day.

But this, the stuff with Derek? I'm going to just go home, and have a bath, and catch up on my reading. New Meredith is going to be different.

New Meredith is a lie, I think, as I find myself parking in front of a liquor store. I tell myself it would just be really nice to have some red wine with my bath. I walk past the hard liquor section without picking anything up.

I feel good. I feel awful, but I feel good. I told Derek everything I've been meaning to get off my chest, and he told me the big thing he's been meaning to get off his. We communicated and decided it wasn't going to be enough. I shouldn't be with someone who hurts me all the time and he shouldn't be with someone who won't give him what he wants. It makes sense.

I want to blame him, but I can't. He deserves all the things he wants. Even though he told me he wanted them with me. Even though he broke me and didn't wait for me to heal. His clock is ticking. He's getting itchy. He can't deal with me and my issues. And I'm letting him go.

So here I am, picking up the pieces and being self-sufficient. And I'm not doing it for anyone but me.

-----

I take the long way home. I fiddle with the radio but it doesn't play anything I want to hear. It's weird, but I wish I still had Addison now, as a friend. She was a great friend and she would know what to say.

It is all about me. I need to be cheered up right now because Meredith told me all the things I've done to her and I'm just thinking about how I feel. I'm thinking about how I didn't tell her I love her. I might be an asshole, but I'm an asshole who loves her.

We can probably do a lot better than each other. It's just... It's Meredith. She's Meredith. She brings out the best and worst in me in a way that infuriates me. I'm not rational when it comes to her. And I've never felt badly about it until now.

Guilt is going to become my friend, it seems.

I get lost in my thoughts and I'm pulling up to my trailer before I realize I'm home. I hope Richard isn't around. Or if he is, I hope he knows better than to try to talk to me. Chief. Another part if my relationship with Meredith that I'm not proud of. I was yelling at her for not being there but I never told her the truth. That I resented her. That my relationship with her almost came in the way of me being Chief and I didn't think it was a fair trade-off. I took it out on her and sent her further away from me but I never told her the reason why.

And I blamed her for being a bad communicator.

I told her today that being with someone shouldn't be this hard. Being with Addison was easy. She was a challenging woman, but being with her was easy. Until the night I walked in on her and Mark.

With Meredith, everything is a fight. I told her once that it kept me alive. When did it stop being enough?

I wonder how she'll act towards me tomorrow. I'll let her set the tone. I'm going to be a better person this time.

-----

Today has gone well so far. I supervised rounds and then was assigned to Sloan so I haven't run into Derek.

I don't think we can be friends yet. I need time before I can treat him like a friend.

"So what are you going to do?" Cristina asks, when we're both finally alone for a moment at an empty nurses' station.

"I'm going to treat him like he's my boss. So, professional but not cold." I check off boxes on my patient's chart.

Cristina scoffs. "Yeah, sure Mer."

"I'm serious. No flirting, no anger, I'm just going to be neutral. I'm going to be a better person this time." I snap the chart closed.

I turn to check on my patient and when I round the corner, he's there, typing on his BlackBerry in front of the elevator.

My step doesn't falter as I stop to stand next to him. "Dr. Shepherd."

He pockets his phone and gives me his full attention. "Dr. Grey. I hear you're in on the facial reconstruction on the eight-year old burn victim with Dr. Sloan."

I look up at him. "We usually think plastic surgery is shallow, but every now and then we get a case like this where you know it'll have a huge impact on how a child gets to live out the rest of her life." He nods in agreement. I realize suddenly that we've never really talked about what I might choose for my specialty. "I think I'm leaning towards neuro, though. That high I felt during that first case, with Katie Bryce... I want to feel it all the time."

He nods again, but I think he looks a little sad. "Well, I'll keep that in mind next time I get a particularly interesting case, Dr. Grey."

"I appreciate it, Dr. Shepherd."

The elevator arrives and we press the buttons for our respective floors. Our fingers meet for a second, but I pull my hand back. He spares a glance at me, but then looks forward as the elevator rises. We reach his floor first. "Have a nice day, Dr. Grey."

"You too, Dr. Shepherd."

That didn't hurt as much as I thought it would. But I wonder if that feeling I get whenever I see him -- when my heart starts beating a little faster -- I wonder if it will ever really go away.

-----

So it's going to be "Dr. Shepherd" and "Dr. Grey" between us. I can handle that. As long as there's something between us, I can handle it.

And because things always happen this way with me, right after exiting the elevator with Meredith, I see Rose at the nurses' station. I approach her and she looks up.

She smiles, but looks a little embarrassed. "I just wanted to apologize --"

"No, no, you have nothing to apologize for. I should be apologizing." I lower my voice. "I feel like I may have led you on, but I don't think I'd make a good date right now."

She looks me straight in the eyes. "Dr. Shepherd. I've heard all about your love life. You know I saw you leave with Dr. Grey a few weeks ago at Joe's. I have no false hopes of anything that might have come from that kiss. It was just a nice moment." Now I'm embarrassed, though her honesty is incredibly refreshing. She is a woman who knows what she wants, and what she wants is not a guy with serious baggage. But that's all right, because I know what I want too.

"Okay. Well, I'm glad to hear my private life can still keep people entertained," I joke.

"It wouldn't be so entertaining if you didn't sneak in and out of on-call rooms with your ex-girlfriend."

"Probably doesn't help, does it?" I don't tell her that there won't be any of that going on for the foreseeable future. "See you around, Rose."

I walk away, feeling better already.

"Oh, and Dr. Shepherd? I'd really appreciate it if you didn't insult my intelligence next time we're in an OR together."

Ah, yes.


	4. Yesterday

**Author's Notes**: I did something that I don't think they'd ever do on TV: I gave them space. Mind you, I had to limit the amount of space I gave them to what I saw as believable. I don't think that two people with as much chemistry as Meredith and Derek can work together for too long without something happening. They're too volatile.

* * *

**Chapter Four: "Yesterday"**

It's been six months since Derek and I broke up. Well, we were "broken up" before that, but it's been six months since we really broke up. I don't know if he's dating the nurse; I haven't heard any rumours about it. I think I would have heard if he was. If he's dating anyone else, it looks like he's kept his word about not parading it in front of me. We're still not friends, but we work well together. He requested me on a few important cases and I think we made a great team. There's none of that subtext and undertone crap this time. We're giving each other space.

Still, there are looks sometimes, when something sparks my memory or his of this thing or that. We had a patient who had burst an aneurysm when she slipped and fell in the shower while she and her boyfriend were trying out a particularly acrobatic position. It was a perfect combination of Derek's two specialities: neuroscience, and shower sex.

He didn't request me on that one, but as luck would have it, Bailey assigned me to his case. I've always had that kind of luck.

We spent the entire time biting our lips or cheeks and avoiding extended eye contact. I'm sure we'll laugh about it later. Someday.

Cristina, Izzie and I started going to a yoga class with really odd hours. It's a much better way to channel our general rage and as a side-effect, I look and feel better than I have since I started my residency. After what happened between the three of us and Burke, George and Derek, we made a pact. We are women and we are strong. We are going to be seriously kick-ass surgeons. We don't need men except when we want them, and we decide where and how.

So here's the thing. It's been months since I last had sex and it's been a long time since I've got that long without it. A long time. Cristina is in the same boat, and Izzie, she just needs to feel wanted. Things haven't really been settled between her and George, but they're doing the friends thing which means they're not doing the sex thing. Sometimes a girl just wants to flirt and be flirted with.

It would be so much easier if we liked women.

Wow, I really need to get laid.

We can't pick up guys at yoga. The men in our yoga class are the kind of men who go to yoga classes with really odd hours: weirdos, overworking businessmen, doctors and lawyers. No doctors. And as people who are committed to saving lives, we can't possibly touch lawyers. The businessmen have to be reminded by our instructor to remove their Bluetooth headsets. And don't even get me started on the weirdos. Also, I'm pretty sure that if we took a survey, about half of the men would say they aren't interested, if you know what I mean.

Anyway, we decided last night that we are bringing hot outfits to work and we're going to wear them to Joe's after our shift. Okay, Joe's isn't the best place to meet people we don't work with, but it almost feels like betrayal to give some other bartender our hard-earned money.

So we enter the bar and I don't think I'm imagining that there are people turning to watch us as we walk to an empty table. Cristina looks hot, Izzie looks hot, we look hot.

It's not long before drink offers are piling up and we're laughing and having a good time with... I don't know. James or something. John? And his friend, Matt. Or is it Mike? I'm not going to guess the third guy's name.

They're okay. They're young, and good-looking, and we don't recognize them, so they'll do for tonight. They say they're from Vancouver and they wanted a real Seattle experience so they ended up in this small bar. Whatever, it doesn't make sense to me either, but they're from Vancouver which means they're not from here.

Something catches my attention out of the corner of my eye. Mark is making fun of Dr. Hahn's dart game (I hope she realizes that he won't give up until she sleeps with him) and Derek and Callie are watching from a booth in the corner. Well, Callie is watching them. Derek is watching me.

He looks great tonight, in a dark red sweater and white collared shirt. Probably has on dark jeans and shiny black shoes under the table.

And we'd been doing so well with the invisible boundaries thing.

I raise my shot glass to him and he raises his tumbler in return.

My attention is brought back to my present company by Izzie's loud laugh at something whatshisname said. Cristina looks like she wants to injure someone -- she's never been good at the pre-sex part. I lick the salt I sprinkled on my hand earlier, down my shot, and bite down hard on a slice of lime.

I didn't really keep up with fresh produce in college, so I developed a taste for straight tequila out of necessity. I regained my love of proper tequila shots when Lexie brought limes to my house the night of the "dance party". We have a tentative friendship now. New Meredith isn't holding Lexie responsible for her fucked up childhood.

Izzie cackles again, and Cristina shoots her a look that could kill.

I think I need to leave this table. "I'm going up to the bar to get another drink." Matt/Mike moves too, but I tell him to stay and get up on my own.

Unsurprisingly, Derek meets me at the bar. "Another, Joe. And for her, too," he says, gesturing to me. Joe fills our orders right away and places the drinks in front of us. I'm just drunk enough to know that he smells really good, and that I can't think of any good reason not to do this. I reach for his hand and lick the back of it before shaking some salt on it. He watches me with interest as I lick the salt off, grab the shot and swallow it back. I look down for the lime wedge, but he pulls my chin towards him and places it in my mouth, his fingers lingering for a second or two before he pulls his hands back.

He laughs softly. "Are we in college? Did I step into a time machine instead of Joe's bar?"

I just shake my head and catch Joe's attention. "Vodka tonic, please." I want something to sip.

But Derek's question sparked my curiosity. "What were you like in college? Undergrad, I mean, before med school."

He places his drink down and looks like he's really thinking about it. "I studied very hard, went to all my classes, and did extra-credit work when I could. And I never met a girl who wanted licked salt off my body parts."

Somehow, I'm not that surprised. "You missed out."

"Apparently," he agrees. He opens his mouth to continue but he stops. I turn my body towards him (open body language -- see, I know some things about social interaction) and he goes on. "I was, what you might call, a late bloomer. Mark has been... He's been Mark his whole life, but I didn't grow into my looks until the end of med school. Maybe it was from the all-nighters that made me skip shaving some days, but women suddenly found me very attractive."

Or one in particular. "Addison was one of those women."

He takes another sip before answering. "Yeah," he says after swallowing, "she was. Getting Addison was a huge boost for my ego. I thought she was way out of my league. My undergrad was from CUNY and hers was from NYU. I had to pay for med school with a huge amount of debt and she was a real Manhattan girl, up to and including the Fifth Avenue wardrobe. But she didn't take it for granted. She was brilliant and worked harder than any of us."

I don't feel a shred of jealousy at his reverent tone. I actually kind of wish I could have seen them back then.

He's looking down at his drink and I know he wants to ask.

I throw him a bone. "I let my mother pay for college. I figured it was the least she could do, since I didn't want to go. I rebelled in some ways, but I listened to her when it mattered. I was always a good student. So I applied to all the Ivy League schools and accepted at Dartmouth because it was away from home, but not too far, and it was small. Cozy. Anyway, getting away from her was a bit of a shock to my system. I drank a lot, I slept with a lot of inappropriate boys --"

He raises an eyebrow but doesn't say anything.

"And when it came to studying, I just took full advantage of my ability to pick things up really quickly."

I wonder if we'd be having this conversation if it wasn't for the alcohol. I swallow half my drink before I continue.

"I applied to med school because that's what she wanted me to do, and I didn't really have a better plan for myself. After I got my confirmation, I started feeling really caged. I fought hard with her and then I called the school and they told me that I could defer my start for three years. So I emptied out my trust fund and took off to Europe." Derek knows what's coming and his eyes soften. He's wearing what some might call the McDreamy look. "Two months later, I called home and my mother told me very calmly that she'd been diagnosed with Alzheimer's and that I should come back to Boston immediately."

He grabs my hand and holds it. I'm surprised that I'm not fighting the urge to pull it away.

"I should go back to my friends," I say, nodding towards the table I vacated earlier.

He stands and pulls me up with him. "Let me drive you home tonight."

I search his eyes for his motives, but, well, there's that whole negative correlation thing involving alcohol consumption and my ability to read him. But I still feel safe with him. He has the power to shatter me into a million pieces but he'll protect me like a bulldog from anything else. "Okay."

-----

He turns up the heat as soon as he starts the car because he knows I like it warm. Some song by the Clash is quietly playing on the speakers and it's the only noise in the car aside from the engine and the turn signal.

We arrive at my house. It's empty, or at least dark. George usually sleeps in the one of the living rooms now, but I think he's working. Who knows where Alex is.

Derek walks me to the door and stands in front of me for a moment. He lowers his head to mine and I'm expecting a kiss, but instead he swipes my left cheek with his lips. He lingers there and I can feel his breath on my ear. "You look amazing tonight," he whispers, before pulling back and returning to his car.

I stare after him, not knowing what to make of what just happened. He starts his car and backs out of the driveway before I start rifling through my purse for the keys.

This is not helping my sexual frustration.

-----

I leave Meredith's feeling better than I have in a long time. I almost want to turn my car around and share it with her, but I won't. Meredith and I, we never talked. We spent a lot of time together because of some intangible, indescribable thing that we made each other feel, and we had really great sex, but we never really talked. It was my fault the first time. Almost everything that had been a part of my life had to do with my being married and I didn't want to deal with it. When we got back together after my divorce, we just talked about not having sex until we did. And then we were back to having sex and not talking.

When we tried the ban on sex last time, we weren't built for it. We were treating the symptom but not its cause. We should have known better, but we couldn't see it when we were in it. Doctors make the worst patients, after all.

I didn't plan on approaching her tonight. We'd gone months treating each other with comfortable aloofness and it was going well. We didn't touch, or make any inappropriate personal comments, or ask about our lives outside the hospital. And for the first time since the first time, I saw her for who she was, not what I wanted her to be.

She's not Meredith, future wife and mother of my children, or whatever I was trying to mold her into... she's Meredith, an intelligent, beautiful woman who's still haunted by broken past. And I'm part of that past. I'm part of her abandonment issues and fear of trust. I get that now.

And I still want things, but I want them with her. So, my plan is to stand back. I'll let her know that I'm here, but I'll stand back and let her figure out what she wants, and hope she still wants me.

Tonight? Tonight wasn't part of the plan, but she looked so incredible and I couldn't stop myself. And we talked. I learned more about her tonight than I would have in weeks of sleeping with her. And then there was that thing she did, with the shot of tequila, her tongue running over my hand... we could have a lot of fun with that.

I take a deep, calming breath. Mauling her will not help me reach my goals. I'm going home tonight, alone.


	5. Feelin' Stronger Everyday

**Chapter Five: "Feelin' Stronger Everyday"**

"So?"

I turn around to see Cristina, jogging to catch up to me in the parking lot. "I should be asking you that."

She rolls her eyes. "Whatever, I went back to his hotel room, had an orgasm and left. What happened with you and Shepherd?"

"Nothing. Seriously, nothing. He walked me to my door and then he went home."

"What? No sex on the stairs, in the shower, on the kitchen table?" People are looking at us, catching bits of her words as we breeze past them.

Sometimes, I think I tell Cristina too much. "No, nothing. You should have seen Izzie this morning, she pulled the 'proud momma' thing again."

"Where is she, anyway?"

"She came home alone last night and went to work with George this morning. I don't know what's going on there."

Cristina shrugs. "Who knows. Hurry up, we're going to be late."

--

Mark and I have developed an easy friendship. We're not as close as we were before, but with Addison in L.A., it almost seems like water under the bridge. "Bros before hos," Mark would distastefully say.

"I think I'm getting through to her, man. I winked at her and she didn't roll her eyes."

We might be friends now, but that doesn't stop me from hoping Dr. Hahn punches him. "Mark, what would you do if she jumped into bed with you?"

He doesn't answer.

"I mean, it's been like half a year. No woman you've pursued has ever kept her legs closed to you for that long. Not even the married ones."

He cradles his head in his hands. "How much longer till that gets old?"

I smirk. "I'll use whenever and wherever I want."

He sighs. "It's not the pursuit. You know what type of women I go after, and she's not it. She's not hot. Not conventionally anyway. I think I might be growing up." This concept clearly rocks Mark to his core.

"You know, I bet she's talked to a lawyer about suing the hospital for sexual harrassment. Richard will kick you out on your ass, and you'll be blacklisted by every hospital in the United States."

"I'd open another private practice and women would come by the busloads for a chance to get groped by a famous guy like me."

"You are such an ass."

We share a laugh before returning to our paperwork. It's quiet in the conference room except for the sounds of our pens on paper.

"So how did it go with Meredith last night?"

I was wondering when that would come up. "We talked. I drove her home, and I didn't stay. Just a favour for a friend... she didn't look that interested in the people at her table."

"Right."

I shrug, because I don't want to talk about our relationship, or lack thereof, to Mark. And it's nothing against him, I don't want to talk about it to anyone. Everyone had a hand in our ... whatever we were, last time. I'm going for something different.

"She's going to be great, you know," he says. "She's got remarkable instinct. She'll be distinguished, and not in the way her mother was, but in her own way."

"Yeah." She's pretty incredible.

"You know she'd never gone out trick-or-treating for Hallowe'en?" I raise my eyebrows. I didn't know that. "That pro bono surgery I did with the kid's ears a while back? That was her first time. Kinda depressing, isn't it?" It really is. "As I said, the apple fell pretty far from the tree."

What? "Said to whom?"

"To Meredith," he replies.

It was probably the nicest compliment she's ever been given and it pains me that I wasn't the person to say it. My skin suddenly feels itchy and I want to end this conversation quickly. "Hey, back off. You can't have this one," I announce, with mock severity.

He palms his forehead. "I am seriously counting down the days till that gets old."

We return to our forms until Mark speaks again. "Remind me to ask her what gym she goes to."

I throw my pen at him.

-----

The first time I see Meredith today, we're going in opposite directions in the stairwell.

She smiles and twists her hair behind her ears. "Hey."

"Hey." I guess we're dropping the proper name thing.

She's on the step above me so we're eye level. She's looking at me, but she's not really looking at me, and then she brushes a hand through my hair. "Fuzz," she says, by way of explanation.

"Ah." I put on my best smile -- the one I use to get whatever I want, except I don't know what I want her to do.

I move to stand closer to her. She places her hand on my chest and keeps it there for a moment before backing away. "I have to go do a thing."

"A thing? I'd like to do many things." I'm so cheesy.

As she turns away, I slip a pack of M&Ms into her coat pocket. My "standing back" plan will survive a little deviation.

She continues her way down the stairs. "I'm sure you do," she teases, before she steps through the door to post-op.

-----

"I'm sure you do." Why did I say that? He was the one who left me at the door last night.

Crap, am I flirting with him? I'm not really good at flirting. I've never been the dating game girl. I've been the, let's get drunk, now we're naked, oh hey, get out of my apartment/car/house girl.

I track down Cristina in the resident break room. "Cristina, help me!"

She looks up from where she's comfortably seated with some charts. "What?"

"I'm think I'm flirting with Derek."

"Whoa, whoa, back up." A beat. "What?"

I take a deep breath and try to my best to summarize my dire situation. "Apparently, we're flirting now. I'm not good at this, Cristina, I just get drunk and take my clothes off."

"And?"

"Things are different this time. I'm not the girl in the bar and he's not the guy. We are two monumentally fucked-up people who work in the same hospital."

She rolls her eyes at me. "Right. Remind me again why this is a good idea."

"I don't know. I just... We just still have that spark. I know he's an asshole and I know I'm not ready to give him what he wants but we still have that spark."

"I knew you were going to renege on the pact!" I hate her sometimes.

"I am not reneging on the pact. I'm consciously choosing to maybe try again with him. I'll take it slowly. Test the waters."

"Fine, do whatever you want." I think she's brushing me off. "Hey, do you have your pharmacopoeia with you? My coat's in my locker."

I check my pockets and pull out the book, and a pack of M&Ms. How did those get there?

"Oo, pass me those, too," she says, making a grab for both items.

"But I don't know how they got there. I didn't put them there." My paranoia kicks in. "What if they've been poisoned?"

She looks at me like I'm in kindergarten. "We're in a hospital. If they're poisonous, we can get our stomachs pumped like 10 steps down the hall."

I guess she has a point. "Fine, give me some!"

-----

I'm running late for work and I rush in as Bailey is handing out assignments. "Grey, you're late. If it was up to me, you'd be down in the pit, but today must be your lucky day because Dr. Shepherd requested you."

Right, lucky. "Yes, Dr. Bailey," I mutter, as I quickly leave the room and head to the locker room to get changed. I open my locker and a bunch of mini chocolate bars fall out.

I look around and there's nobody else in here. What the hell is going on? I toss them back into my locker, along with my regular clothes, and make my way to Derek's office. I haven't seen him since I ran into him in the stairwell last shift.

I knock on his slightly open door, which pushes it open even more and I watch him sift through his organized chaos.

"Oh, hey. Sorry, just give me a second here," he says after glancing up from his sifting.

He spins in his chair, knocking a pile over on his desk. A pile of candy. Derek doesn't eat candy.

"What is this?" I ask, pointing to the pile.

He turns around and follows my finger, looking sheepish when he realizes what I'm pointing to. "Oh. Just making up for lost time."

"What?"

He stands up and steps around his desk. "Nevermind. On with the case. He's a 42-year old-"

Oh, he's not getting out of this one that easily. "No, seriously, why are you leaving candy for me to find?"

He leans against his desk and sighs. "Because I thought you might like it?"

Well, that was easy enough. "I do. Pass me those gummy bears."

"I'll hide them for you later." He smirks. "But for now, we have a patient to get to."

My eyes? Totally rolling. But I follow his lead. After all, we've got jobs to do and lives to save.

-----

I'm about to scrub out of surgery, a successful DBS, when I notice Derek isn't following me to the scrub room. He's stopped to talk to a pretty brunette nurse who's assisting with the closing. They seem to be friends. They share a laugh and he shakes her hand before returning to my side. He's still smiling under his mask.

I take mine off, as well as my cap, and walk over to the hand washing station.

"That was her, wasn't it?" I ask, keeping my tone light.

He rips off his mask and cap and tosses them into the bin. "Yeah, it was. I was just wishing her luck. She's moving back to California. Says she misses the sun too much," he replies, matching my tone.

"Oh?" And now I can't help but think it. "Is what why you're doing this thing with me?"

He looks like he's about to fall over. "God, Meredith. No. I never dated her. I told her I wasn't interested. I'm waiting for you."

My eyebrows shoot up and my jaw falls down. I relax my face and close my eyes for a few seconds, letting myself process what he just said.

It was too little, too late when I told him that I didn't want him to see other women, but he and I are different people. And I think I want to give him a chance. I wasn't lying when I told him that it always comes back to him. I open my eyes and find his. "Okay."

"Okay?" I think he's searching my face for any sign of anxiety or whatever.

"Yeah," I affirm, and give him the biggest smile I can manage.

He lets out a deep breath and we wash our hands in silence.

-----

"Oh? Is that why you're doing this thing with me?"

She says it, and I immediately feel sick to my stomach. I can't believe she would think that I'd be so inconsiderate, but then again, my past speaks for itself, doesn't it?

"God, Meredith. No. I never dated her. I told her I wasn't interested. I'm waiting for you."

Shit, I didn't mean to tell her yet. I didn't want to pressure her at all. I'm usually so good at controlling myself but as usual, things don't always go the way I want them to when I'm around Meredith.

I don't know how she's going to react. I just watch her, expecting fight or flight.

She gives me neither. She opens her eyes and faces me. Her eyes are sparkling.

"Okay." She's okay with it. She gives me a breathtaking smile.

I let out the breath I didn't know I was holding. Okay.

-----

It's freezing in here. How do they expect anyone to get any rest in these rooms when it's always so cold?

Most people went home hours ago. The hospital is quiet, except when I'm being paged for something, and then it's hectic and noisy, but between the pages, it's quiet.

I'm staring at the ceiling when my waistband vibrates. One new text message. Who the hell is texting me at 4am?

I flip open my phone. It's from Derek. "Look under the bed," it says. I stick my head over the edge and find the bag of gummy bears from his desk earlier. He's lucky I'm a creature of habit.

I open the bag and grab a handful, needing the sugar rush even though I know I'll just crash in an hour or two. If anyone saw me right now, I'd never hear the end of it.

I grab my cellphone and text back, "Thanks, I needed that. Why are you up?"

A few seconds later, my phone vibrates again. "To text you."

I thought this kind of thing only happened in horrible movies starring Hugh Grant that I sometimes watch with Izzie (to keep her company).

I text him back again. "Liar, you're going fishing."

He writes back, "That too. Get some rest. See you in a few hours."

I somehow manage to fall asleep for an hour, despite all that sugar, before my pager goes off again.

What's that saying? Crime never sleeps? Well, neither does death.


	6. Such Great Heights

**Author's Notes**: This entire chapter is told in Meredith's POV because I feel like Derek's personal drama is pretty much settled for now. We already know how he feels about everything and the ball is in Meredith's court.

There are closing notes at the very end. I don't want to spoil anything. :)

* * *

**Chapter Six: "Such Great Heights"**

He does the candy thing for three more days before I stop him. "Let's make a rule."

"A rule? We're making rules, now?" He looks so smug.

"You can only give me candy once a week."

"Fine, I can accept that."

"Good."

We don't discuss anything else, and we go about our days like we had before, except with a few more smiles and secret/not-so-secret glances.

-----

A couple of weeks later, we're sharing an elevator after work when my stomach grumbles. Loudly.

Apparently this amuses him. "Meredith?"

"Yes?"

"Would you like to have dinner with me tonight?"

My stomach growls again. Traitor.

"I know a place. You know, a little hole in the wall."

I raise my eyebrow. "There are holes in the wall in Seattle?"

Whatever. I'm hungry.

-----

The "little hole in the wall" turns out to be the restaurant in the Space Needle.

"You've never been here, have you?" he asks, as we leave his car with the valet.

"No. I was young when we moved to Boston. But it's not like my mom would have ever taken me if we'd stayed." The disappointment doesn't stop me from missing her.

He kisses my forehead before placing his hand at the small of my back as guides me through the tower base.

As the elevator starts moving, I notice that he's gripping the railing.

Now it's my turn to be amused. "Derek, are you afraid of heights?"

He shakes his head. "No, I'm from Manhattan. Land of skyrises."

"But you lived in a townhouse."

He smirks. "I have no problem with heights. You might even say I enjoy heights. I'm just not a big fan of towering elevators with glass walls."

I step out to the glass and push against it a little. I think he's turning green.

Suddenly, I remember the last time I toyed with danger in front of him. I don't think he's thinking about it, but it's enough that I am. I move over to where he's standing and I turn him around, trapping myself between him and the solid steel wall of the elevator.

We share our first kiss in a long time shooting up into the sky.

As his tongue slides across mine and his hands weave through my hair, I think, this is even better than I remembered.

-----

A few days later, I'm rifling through equipment in a supply closet.

"You know we've never been out to a movie?" It's Derek, of course.

My heart stops and I drop everything in my hands. Bastard, he knows I'm jumpy.

"Sorry," he says while helping me pick up the needles and syringes I scattered on the floor. He smiles that stupid smile, the contagious one.

I get my bearings enough to respond. "And yes, I do know that we've never been out to a movie."

"Let's go to one. Tonight." He takes off before I can argue.

-----

I knew there was a reason we didn't go out to movies.

I open my eyes to find myself resting my head on Derek's shoulder, in a dark theater with names scrolling up on the screen. The few other people in the theater are getting up to leave. His eyes are still closed, and he's breathing deeply. Right, so he can't deal with my snoring but he can fall asleep in the presence of surround sound speakers.

-----

Afterwards, he drives me home and we enjoy the rare, clear spring night on the porch swing.

There's something on my mind, and I guess now is as good a time as any to ask.

"Are we dating?"

"That's up to you," he says, turning to face me.

He is being painfully perfect. The pessimist in me is waiting for the other shoe to drop. The optimist is fighting it out.

"I guess we are," I say with a small smile.

He hums his approval and puts his arm around my shoulders as we both sit back.

"You know, Cosmo says I should wait until at least the sixth date to sleep with you."

He sits up. "Oh, you read trashy magazines now?"

"I'll have you know that Cosmopolitan is an excellent example of fine journalism." I can only hold a straight face for about five seconds. "It was between that, or reading about sham Hollywood marriages at my hair salon."

"I see. So what else do they say?"

I play with the hair at the base of his neck. "I don't know, something about ten ways to give your man the best orgasm of his life."

He turns to face me. "If we're not having sex tonight, this is mean."

"We're not," I say with a shrug.

"This is mean."

"Sorry." I'm not really sorry. I lean over and kiss him, quick. "'Night."

"Night," he whispers back, before getting up and walking to his car.

I'm about to step inside the house when I hear his voice.

"Rule number two," he says. "No teasing about sex if we're not going to have it in the next hour."

I shake my head as I pull the door shut behind me.

-----

Naturally, Cristina makes it her business to keep me grounded.

"Why is he being so nice? Like, doesn't it drive you insane?" We're at yoga, but Izzie's on call tonight.

I stretch my arms above my head. "He was nice once, you know. Way back when. Before I found out he was married."

She scoffs. "That wasn't being nice, that was getting into your pants."

"He'd already gotten into my pants, remember?"

"Whatever, you know what I mean."

We get into the downward dog position and the blood rushes to my head. "It's just... it's nice to have a sense of normalcy. But I'm afraid I won't know what to do with it if it keeps going. I've never had long-term normal."

"Maybe your dad will die or something."

"Cristina!"

Our yoga instructor makes that annoying shushing noise as she moves into the first warrior pose.

We follow and hold. "We were happy before. For a few months, we were happy. And then a lot of things happened and we never dealt with any of it."

"And now that you've dealt with it, everything is sunshine and rainbows?" We open our arms out for the second warrior pose.

"No, there's still a lot on the table. But we're not there yet."

"Look, I've seen you through two McDreamy disasters. I'm just, you know, worried, okay?"

We lean back and look up at the ceiling. "I know. It's just... I love him. And I hate it, but I do."

"Yeah, I know. And I'll probably always be here to mop you up."

We relax back into a normal standing position and I look over at her. "I really hope I won't have to hold you to that."

-----

The conversation with Cristina starts a train of thought in my head that leads to me making the long drive to Derek's, which is a risk without knowing for sure that he's home, but I don't want to call first.

I thought we'd eventually have to have this talk, but I figured it could wait. Now, it seems a lot more urgent. I need to know all the facts before I get any more invested into this thing we have going.

The lights are on in his trailer, and he must notice my headlights because he comes out to stand on his front porch. The Chief's trailer is still there, but he moved back to the city when he realized the outdoor life wasn't for him.

I must look troubled or worried or something because Derek's expression changes from pleased to troubled or worried as I approach him. "Meredith?"

I stop at the front edge of his porch, a few feet away from him. I have to speak before I lose my courage. "Do you have a timeline?"

"What?"

"Like, do you have a plan in your head about how your life is going to go."

He puts his hands in his pocket and kicks at something only he can see. "I did. I used to."

I swallow. "And now?"

"And now," he says, as he looks up at me, "I'm not going to make big life decisions involving you without your input."

Good answer. The best answer. But now I don't know what to say. I step off his porch and look up into the sky. "My past experience says that this whole thing is too good to be true."

He doesn't speak for a minute, but I hear his footsteps before he wraps his arms around me from behind. He buries his face in my hair before speaking softly into my ear. "I will never be able to express to you how sorry I am for everything. But you're it for me, Meredith." He exhales and it shoots sparks down my spine. Being a controlling asshole, thinking I can play god, those are my character flaws. I can't promise I won't slip up, but I know that I'll always love you."

I keep my head up to fight back tears. "How can you possibly know that?"

"I've loved you since the moment we met. And I know people always say that, but it's the truth. When I saw you at the bar, I could tell that you were hiding a lot behind your confident exterior, and I was so intrigued. And then you smiled, and laughed, and that was it." His grip on me tightens. "I've never stopped."

I lean back and rest my head on his chest. "You can't say all these things to me and then run me over with an emotional mack truck later. I can't do it anymore."

"You have to promise me something," he says with a firm voice.

I turn around in his arms so that I can see his face. "What?"

"Whenever you have a problem, I don't care if it's because your hair is frizzy, or you're having trouble with a patient, or your dad suddenly appears at your doorstep, I need for you to talk to me about it. I don't want to guess at what's wrong with you and then worry that I'm going to find out too late." His voice breaks as he speaks.

"Okay," I say. "I can't promise I won't slip up, either."

He nods, and I push myself up against him. We say nothing as we just stand there on his lawn for minutes, embracing.

A rush of feeling floods my chest. I pull back and he loosens his grip. "I love you," I whisper, before bringing my mouth up to his. He puts his hands on the back of my neck and mashes our mouths together.

I'm sure that I will never feel anything like this with anyone else. I don't even want to try.

* * *

_The story ends here, but if you're an adult, keep reading for an extended NC-17 ending._

He steps backwards, keeping me with him, stumbling when his calves hit the porch. He turns around and steps up before helping me do the same, and our mouths reunite, licking, biting and sliding, as we continue staggering our way into the trailer. He pushes me backwards until my legs hit the bed and I fall back.

For the first time tonight, I can see his face in the light and the intensity there almost scares me. He strips off his pants, pulls mine off as well, and looks at me. Really looks at me. My body has changed quite a bit since he last saw it. He lightly runs his fingers down my toned stomach before he bends over and licks a trail from there to my chest. My hands grip his hair as he kisses all over my face and neck while running his hands up and down my body and it's almost too much. Every nerve in my body is standing on end and I begin to wonder if he has secret neuro sex tricks.

That was an incredibly stupid thought. I want to hate him for having the power to turn me into a puddle of mm and yes and Derek don't stop, but I can't because it's so good. It's so good when he slips on a condom and slides into me, groaning from the effort he's making to hold back.

Screw holding back. I wrap my legs around his waist and pull him close.

"Fuck, Meredith," he growls. "I'm not going to last."

"I don't care," I whisper into his ear.

He pulls my legs from around his waist and pushes them towards my shoulders. He pulls back and my hands scramble to grab hold of something sturdy because I know what's coming.

He slams into me and I see stars. It's been months but we haven't forgotten a thing. He still knows exactly what I need.

I almost don't want it this way because it's hot and kinda dirty and I think I wanted slow and tender, but every single thrust hits just the right spot and it's sending me into incoherency.

We can do slow and tender later.

How did I go so long without this?

He starts to lose what little control he had and I think I scream when I come but I can't really be too sure. He collapses on top of me, slick with sweat, and I lick at a drop on his neck.

"Mmm. Give me an hour," he mumbles into a pillow near my head. He rolls over and tosses the condom before finding the sheets and arranging us underneath them.

I curl up against him, head on his chest, legs twisted with his, and fall asleep.

(For about an hour.)

* * *

**Closing Notes**: There's still a lot for them to work out, but this story was conceived as a "getting Meredith and Derek back on track" thing and that's done, so the story is done. I currently have no plans to write any sort of sequel. I've thought about it, but I'm coming up empty on inspiration. I'm a bit of a minimalist/character-driven writer and while I know what problems they'll have in the future, I'm lacking a reference point for how the characters would go about resolving them. If I ever figure that out, I will put fingers to keyboard and write. 

The song I used for the title is Back 2 Good by Matchbox 20. You can take that at face value, or you can examine the lyrics, which end with the line, "There's no getting back to good." Do I think they'll have it easy from here on out? No. Do I think they'll be together in the end? Definitely. But there's a lot of room for your own interpretations.

Thanks so much for reading.


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